mollywheezy | LJ Idol Week 1, Prompt: Black Rainbow

"Light in the Darkness"

I have never seen a black rainbow. I have actually never even heard of one, but I believe there is light in the darkness. Sometimes the light can be very hard to see, and we have to look hard to find it.

I was fired in August from the job I have had for eight and a half years, the longest I’ve had any job. I planned to retire from it in the far distant future. The same day I was fired, my dad became very sick. I was wondering if I needed to take FMLA to care for him, but then was fired, so that solved that problem. I was able to spend what turned out to be the last four months of my dad’s life, spending time with him, helping him and my mom and not worrying about trying to balance caring for my parents with working.

My dad’s heart stopped beating on December 8th, completely unexpectedly. Paramedics revived and intubated him, but hospital tests showed he was brain dead. My mom and I (mostly me) made the decision to remove the life support, because my dad would not have wanted to “live” with machines. My dear friends Charles and Christine came to the hospital to be with us. Thankfully, the hospital was allowing visitation and not limiting it due to Covid “in compassionate circumstances.” I called my husband Arthur, and made him cry during a meeting with his boss, to ask if he wanted to be there when life support was removed. He said he’d come if I needed him there, but he didn’t need to be there for himself. I know how much my husband hates hospitals and told him I would be OK. We expected my dad to die immediately, but he didn’t, stubborn to the very end. He has fought so hard and overcome so many obstacles, I guess he couldn’t give up fighting.

After a couple of hours off life support and still breathing, we were transferred from the ER to the ICU to wait for the end. Thankfully the ICU was not enforcing visiting hours for us. I don’t know why ICU rooms are always so dark. The dreary, rainy weather did not help, opening the blinds did not bring more light. Charles and Christine stayed with us for the entire day, and went to get us food, when at three in the afternoon, my mom and I realized we hadn’t eaten anything all day. We finally left the hospital in the evening with a promise from the night nurse to call with any changes.

I took my mom home with me. Arthur picked up dinner which we managed to eat at around nine. I did manage to sleep that night from sheer exhaustion and called the hospital the next morning. No change. My mom and I decided not to hurry too much since neither of us had showered the day before and didn’t want to feel even more gross. We also ate breakfast before we returned to the hospital.

We still arrived at the hospital at about 8 AM and stayed until 10 PM which made for a very long day. Charles and/or Christine were there with us for major parts of the day. Arthur even came after work and stayed for several hours. One might think that sitting in an ICU room all day would be hell, but we shared memories of my dad with our friends. Christine found my dad’s favorite hymn “When We All Get to Heaven”on her phone and played it for him. Then she sang “Amazing Grace” which a hospital chaplain sang for him at a different hospitalization. When Arthur arrived, he sang “Come Thou Long Expected Jesus” at my request. I noticed the nurses at the ICU desk unobtrusively scooting towards the end of the desk closest to my dad’s room, since Arthur has an awesome voice. My dad has always been a musician so singing was a way to honor him. I, unfortunately, did not inherit my dad’s talent.

When Arthur came he brought fixins for banana splits with him, knowing that is my guilty pleasure. I did, of course, share with everyone. My whole family has always loved our food, so that led to fond memories and conversations about favorite meals.
My mom and I had given my dad permission to go before he even went off life support. We continued to reassure him we would be OK. I told him I’d take care of mom so he didn’t have to worry. Arthur told my dad to go on to Heaven because he could have all the prime rib, Coke, chocolate cake and Southern Comfort Manhattans he wanted. That made all of us laugh, because those certainly are my dad’s favorite things. My dad had a feeding tube so he was not able to have those things for the six months before he died, except for when he managed to steal my mom’s Coke without being caught like an octogenarian ninja.

I had just said that maybe it was time to go home for the night when my dad had a forty-five second period of apnea, so we didn’t go home. We stayed until ten, but at that point I was doubting my ability to drive home if we didn’t leave since I was so tired, and his stats were as good as they had been that morning. Thankfully, we only live a few miles from the hospital, but having a car accident would not have helped anything. Once again the night nurse promised to call if anything changed.

I called back the next morning, and the nurse said there had been no change and to come at 9 for visiting hours. My mom and I arrived and were there by ourselves when my dad breathed his last slightly after 10. Charles and Christine arrived minutes after my dad had died. Charles offered to call the funeral home for me, but I was OK, well, as OK as I was going to be, and sometimes it helps to have something concrete to do.

When we were ready to leave the hospital, we decided to go have lunch at my dad’s favorite restaurant, Logan’s, which is a casual steak place that has prime rib on the weekends. Arthur planned to meet us there. I went to get the car to pick up my mom, had her in the car, her walker settled in the back, and realized I forgot my phone charger in my dad’s ICU room. Thankfully Charles was still there and stayed with my mom while I ran back to get my phone charger.

When we arrived at the restaurant and everyone had settled, the first thing Arthur asked me was if I had remembered my phone charger. I have a very bad record with phone chargers. I said, “On the second try” and we all laughed. We toasted my dad with Coke, since it was lunch time after all, and continued sharing memories to celebrate his life.

While we were eating lunch, the sun came out from behind the clouds and shone brightly. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness will not overcome it.

~~~

All names have been changed because my husband and friends, while very supportive of my writing, do not want their real names in a Public post.