LJ Idol Week 20

[mollywheezy]

Prompt: Regrets, I have a few


I have always been the Queen of Procrastination but have usually managed to finish things well, even if it’s at the last possible minute. I learned the hard way, though, not to procrastinate when relationships are involved.

Thirteen days before my wedding, I was attending the Sunday morning worship service at my parents’ church where the wedding would take place. Their pastor announced prayer concerns and asked everyone to pray for the family of Reverend Richardson who had died suddenly of a heart attack the previous afternoon. I didn’t hear anything else the pastor said. I thought I would vomit. I had been meaning to call Reverend Richardson for weeks. I had procrastinated for too long and I was too late.

Reverend Richardson was the chair of one of the committees with whom I had to interview as part of the process to enter ordained ministry. There were many committees and many interviews. Often the interviews were more similar to The Spanish Inquisition, but Reverend Richardson was always kind and encouraging and also was able to make other people on the committee he chaired at least behave themselves. In addition, he went far above the call of duty when he talked to my mother on the phone for two hours.

My mother was not initially pleased with my chosen career path. When I told her I was going into ministry with the hope of becoming a hospice chaplain, she said, “Oh good grief!!! You can’t become a minister! You can’t even get a date now! If you become a minister, you’ll never manage to get married and I’ll never have grandchildren!” I don’t know what Reverend Richardson said to my mom, but her attitude greatly improved. And I proved her wrong about nobody wanting to marry me.

After the worship service, Arthur glanced at me and asked if I was okay. I shook my head. My parents, who were in the choir, arrived at that point and my mom said, “Molly! You’re white as a ghost! What happened?” I had started to cry by that time but managed to choke out, “Reverend Richardson died.” My mom had not made the connection until that moment, and while she didn’t start crying, she was sad too. I had progressed to a different committee so I hadn’t seen Reverend Richardson for almost a year. I had never even told him I was engaged, although I had meant to. My procrastination never cost me more and I never regretted it more than at that moment.

I would like to say I stopped procrastinating, but I didn’t. I am still the Queen of All Things Last Minute, am slow to return phone calls and have never been a good correspondent. However, I have made sure that people who are important to me know it before it becomes too late to tell them. I didn’t make that mistake again.


A/N: Names are still changed except for Reverend Richardson.

Comments

[banana_galaxy]

These types of regrets are really hard to move past. It's so hard to lose people before we have the chance to say something to them. I know I've tried to live in a way that I show people how much they mean to me, because I don't think I could easily live with that kind of regret. Reverend Richardson sounded wonderful, and I'm glad he was able to talk your mother into accepting your chosen career path.

[mollywheezy]

I was 22 when this happened, and I cut myself some slack, eventually, and did move past it. I have told people how I feel ever after. And yes, he did me a huge service in talking to my mom!

[ofearthandstars]

These are the hardest regrets, I think - what we didn't say or do. I think I have adopted the habit of just saying them now, out loud if need be. While their physical presence isn't here to hear me, some piece of their spiritual presence is still out there, hovering beyond whatever veil, and hopefully by putting it out there, the message eventually makes it way to the right place. In short, I would guess that Reverend Richardson knows how you feel.

[mollywheezy]

I learned to say things out loud. I have lost other friends suddenly since they, but they at least knew how I felt. I agree that Reverend Richardson knows I remember him and how I feel. :)

[bleodswean]

It's a hard lesson. Time flies, until it doesn't. I appreciate you sharing this perfect response to the prompt. *hugs*

[mollywheezy]

It was a hard lesson, but I learned it, and don;t beat myself up. Thank you very much! *hugs back*

[erulissedances]

It's hard to keep up sometimes. I appreciate your feelings for Rev Richardson, though. The greatest gift you can give to someone is to remember them.

- Erulisse (one L)

[mollywheezy]

I certainly do remember him!

[roina_arwen]

Hugs! A lovely dedication to Reverend Richardson.

[mollywheezy]

*Hugs back* Thank you very much!

[dadi]

Ah dear one, I hear you! I am so horrible in that regard too. It is really hard for me to contact people if I don't have a "reason" for it and several times, I lost the last possible occasion.

[mollywheezy]

At least we're not alone in that!

[d0gs.livejournal.com]

Oh, I loved the emotion in this and how beautifully you conveyed it! I am so sorry you didn't get to speak with Reverend Richardson before he passed away, but I am sure he knew how important he was to you! <3 I really relate to procrastinating too D:

[mollywheezy]

Thank you so much!

[gunwithoutmusic]

I have similar regrets involving my best friend, who died from cancer several years ago. She was in hospice and on her last leg when I got a call from a mutual friend of ours saying that it would be best if I could come by to say my goodbyes as soon as possible. I was at work with a few hours left in the workday and I didn't want to risk getting into trouble by trying to leave early to see my dying friend, as insane as that sounds.

I had hoped that she could hold out until my workday was done and I could get there, but she died before that happened. Not, mind you, before I could have gotten there had I just left work. It still pains me to think about the fact that I feel like I abandoned my best friend in the world in her final hours.

I try to let people know how much they mean to me while I can now, but I'm still bad about it. I still don't really want to believe that the people I love could die at any moment for any reason, and prefer to imagine that they will be around forever. But the older I get, the more I seemed to get smacked in the face with death, and the more I think I need to be ready.

Thank you for sharing this story with us. :)